Who would have known? The hair I was so attached to, but is now gone, made quite an imprint. Although it is no longer here, I feel the sensations like it is still apart of me. I am amazed at the physical and mental memory of having long hair. It has been a couple of weeks now, yet I still reach to pull it out of my shirt after I get dressed, or go to lift it above my head on my pillow, after I lay down or turn over in bed.
I guess the acceptance of change is not always an automatic thing. When I engage in conversation with someone, I am still looking through the same eyes I have always looked through. It isn’t until I walk away and get a glimpse of my reflection that I see what others are seeing. At this point, it is still a surprise to me. I even jumped at my own reflection once, thinking it was someone else staring back at me!
When I am not caught up in conversation and I am just doing my own thing, I become hyper aware of my head. I do not know if all people with short hair feel this, but it feels like my hair is all tucked up on the top of my head, or like I’m wearing some sort of hat.
I feel like my head has had more physical contact from myself and others over the past couple of weeks, than in my whole life. The sensations are intensified, and my scalp feels so alive and invigorated.
I am still operating my old program when it comes to my showers. I stand under the water for the same amount of time I did with my long hair. It just seems impossible in my mind, that I could have my hair completely rinsed in such a short amount of time. I’m sure I will clue in soon.
It is clear to me that this change was long over due. The habits and rituals of the person I was with long hair still linger. My awareness and connection to my physical self had become stagnant. Now, how I feel I should look when I look in the mirror, I am slowly letting go of. I did not expect my ego to just disappear because I chose to alter my looks so drastically. I know this is a process. I have years of conditioning and influence from the outside world of what a female should look like. Even my astrological sun sign of Libra has a strong attachment to needing to feel feminine and to have long hair.
I recognize my attachment to my thoughts. I feel less feminine with my head shaved and having a heavier set body at this time. My long hair contributed to my sense of my female identity. A good thing though is that my occupation with my thoughts around my hair are slowly fading. As each day goes by, and I see and accept my new look a little bit more, I realize this is me, in this moment. I am starting to release the need to inform people that this isn’t my usual look, and that I use to have very long hair.
The truth is, this moment is all I have. I wanted to experience having a shaved head, so now I need to let go of who I was, who I think I should be, and accept who I am. What really matters is who I am now, how I’ve chosen to express my physical being now, and to recognize and accept the consistent presence that is.