Letting Go

I did it! It’s gone, with the exception of a very thin layer of bristly hair. My goal was to have a shaved head, and here I sit with a shaved head. The amazing hair dresser Erin at the Utopia Hair Studio was so supportive. She took before and after photos, and gifted me her hair styling expertise. Everyone told me how beautiful I looked, even the client with the long gorgeous hair beside me. I was overwhelmed with an odd inner and outer smile. Feeling silly, weird, and like I was in a dream, I looked at the unfamiliar reflection in front of me. All I could keep saying was that ‘this was crazy!’

I feel like I’m wearing a hat. I thought I might feel the need to cover my head for my ride home, but I didn’t. It was what it was. This is a first for me. I’ve never worn my hair short my entire adult life. I barely even put it in a pony tail because I didn’t like how it looked. I swore to myself that I would not ever go for the short hair “mom” look when I reached my forties (many women pull this look off no problem, no judgement here), just as personal preference. Yet here I sit with this weird sensation of short, stubbly hair.

It is/was a lot of work having super thick, long hair. As a professional organizer, I guess I just decluttered some time consuming rituals, and energetic space.

There is a lot of stuff happening in my world around me. Life and death are making their presence so clear. I see and feel the suffering and pain of loved ones close to me, and know this journey is not an easy one at times. I feel that as big of a deal it was for me to shave my head, it really cannot compare to what really matters in my life. The love I feel for all the souls expressions that I get to experience day to day, knowing we are all doing our best to understand this journey of life, is the truth of what actually matters.

No matter what I do to my appearance, or the distractions I choose to occupy my time with, it is the essence of being that really matters. It is knowing and believing that “I am” regardless of my crazy choices. Knowing that no matter how anyone chooses to alter┬átheir personal expression, the truth of their being will not change.

 

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The Story of my Hair

Retro Joplin look

It’s the night before my appointment at the hair salon. Most woman spend their money on perfecting their locks, but some weird, inner calling, bucket-list idea, has decided to rear its head out of nowhere, and suggest a little something different.

There are many things over the years that I have spewed out of my mouth as a desire to experience. Many I’ve done, and some I out grew and moved on.  I thought this was one of those things I out grew, but no. A little voice in my head said “you really should follow through on this idea”. I talk like it is something separate from myself, because honestly I can’t make sense of my decision to shave my head. I love my long hair! I loved it even more when it was all natural, with lots of silver. Unfortunately I decided to use a natural henna product in my hair for a special event, thinking it would fade out in a few months, but the red really latched on, creating unwanted roots slowly growing out.

Now this is no reason to shave ones head, lots of people have roots growing out. I have just always felt that I wanted to experience what it is like to be with (almost) no hair on my head. I am fully aware that some people have no choice but to lose their hair, for different reasons. I am sure that it may cause some people pain, and yet others indifference. We all have our own paths, with varying experiences, and lessons to take away from them.

I am attached to my long hair. This may seem silly, but it has been a part of my identity for quite some time now. My hair was at my waist for most of my childhood, and I wasn’t allowed to cut it until high school. Then during my high school years I would not leave my home without every single piece, perfectly curled and in place. I was obsessed. I styled my hair, dyed it, and perfected it, for quite sometime.

Then as motherhood took priority, I started to let go of my need to be so vain about my looks. I headed down a more organic path, embracing my early greying. I learned to love the crazy natural look of my hair, and lucky for me, my husband preferred the natural look of my being as well.

I experimented with the “no poo” theory, where no shampoos or product were used in my hair for a whole year. Now before you get grossed out, it was only about a month of knarliness before my hair and scalp fully adjusted to the my new routine. The trick was to wash it in very hot water, then to rinse it in very cold water, to have it looking and feeling great. I would have continued with this practice, except I moved to a different province and the switch in environment did not go in my favour.  I had to use shampoo once again. I don’t know if it was the new locations water, or just the change in the air?

As I carried on in my evolution of my health, I discovered the spiritual importance of not cutting your hair, ever! As an intuitive being, having my receptors in tack, was a strong reason to leave my locks alone. There are many natural treatments to deal with your split ends or dryness. I still believe in not cutting ones hair, but this is just a part of my spiritual belief.  I also believe we live a more natural flowing life, when we take out the “shoulds” and ‘shouldn’ts” in our everyday vocabulary.  This is the reason I am open to this experience.

Now tomorrow I have an appointment to shave my head completely! The hairdresser even phoned me tonight to confirm, to see if I was still going through with it. Something other than my logical side, squeaked out a ‘yes, of course!’ I am not even sure what I’m doing. I can put words to it like, I want to let go of attachment, practice impermanence, surrender ego, connect with my “I am” energy, get over myself, start a new, transformation, and so on. Yet my ego thinks I’m crazy for voluntarily signing up to do this. On the level of soul though, where there are no words, I am pulled into this vortex of no control, and it’s just going to happen.

My young adult children each had their own interesting response to my news, but I know they love me no matter how I look. My husband has gotten use to supporting my crazy ideas over our 19 years together, and I am grateful for that. I’m making use of my time here on this planet, and like to take on whatever weird calling I am drawn to follow.

The Universe is also demanding I make some health changes. Tomorrow is my half birthday (yes I am 42 and I just referred to my half birthday :p).  It is time for some more changes, transformations, and spiritual evolution. I will humble myself by removing the hair that I’ve hidden behind, the look I’ve attached to, and my choices I’ve become comfortable with over my adult years. I will take on a new perspective through my dramatic changes, that I will be making. I will allow the process to be whatever it is supposed to be. I will personally grow, as my hair grows.

At this time I believe it will be the last hair cut that I will ever have again (but of course, anything is possible). I will release any energy that has stuck itself in my hair over the years. I will let go of being the person I’ve attached to being. My physical body is temporary in this world, my image has become a conditioned settling of how I feel most comfortable. My habits and thoughts have created the reflection I see in the mirror.  It is time for a new perspective.

As I get ready for bed now, I still wonder in the back of my mind, what the heck am I doing and why? I know though that change in a big way, is my only option for me at this point in my journey.

It is only hair, but the removing of my long hair completely, has so many more structures and beliefs that I’ve attached to it, and I will be tearing those down at the same time. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel tomorrow. I may cry, I may not care, I may even feel liberated? No use in speculating, it is only ten hours away. I am already amused by how much thought I’ve given to my hair in this lifetime. It is a big deal in our culture as females, in how we look. I want to let that go, and return to ‘I am-I exist’.

I guess no matter how much I keep writing, it’s not going to slow down the arrival of my appointment tomorrow morning. I think it’s time to take these long locks to bed for one more sleep.

Good night!

 

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