One day as I was driving home from a mini road trip when I heard a soft whisper sweep across my mind. It asked, “are you willing?” “Willing to do what?” I answered.
At that moment my life passed before me. I saw all of my triumphs that my willpower had allowed me to accomplish. I saw the lifelong struggle of changing my conditioning of yo-yo dieting and trying to figure out the best formula for an optimal “me.” I realized that many times my Willpower faded at one point or another, always bringing me back to where I started, or worse, even further behind. I then realized there was a difference between Willpower and Willingness. Willpower was dependent on outside circumstances and where I was in my life. It always seemed to have a limited lifespan. I was tricked into believing it was powerful, because it always returned and got me going strong.
I felt this Cosmic whisper permeate through all of my being “Am I Willing?” Knowing personally from years of programs and multiple adventures, I knew I needed to make a plan and find clarity to what it was I wanted to accomplish. My current and old time familiar resolution to become fit and healthy was at the top of my list. I sat down with at very detailed plan of action to eat better, move more, and take this all to the next level.
I felt I for sure had it this time, with my new tool in my tool belt “Am I willing?” I realized that when we choose to not do something, we are simply not willing. I would love to be an amazing guitar player, but the facts are I am not willing to apply the discipline required to accomplish this. I can talk all day long about wanting to be healthy, but when the easy part of running off adrenaline and enthusiasm wears off, am I willing to still do what it takes to see the results I wish to accomplish? Will power is a great starting tool, it pushes us into change and gets us through the initial hurtles, but as I said before its life is temporary.
My favourite time was about to arrive, the start of a new month, on a Monday! My goals were clear, and I was set. My drive shot me through the gates as usual, I was determined and clear that I was more than ready to see if I was actually “Willing.” I started my usual raw food cleanse, returned to Hot Yoga after a six- month hiatus, and took walks when the opportunity presented itself. Whenever I felt less than motivated I would ask myself “are you willing to do what you need to in order to see the results you wish to see?”
Being in my early forties, I was seeing that I have fallen into a more complacent way of doing things, in some areas of my life. I liked the feeling of being comfortable more than pushing myself to being uncomfortable. I slowly began to realize that the answer was “no…I am not willing.” Amused by my lack of willingness I wanted to explore this some more. My favourite way to do this is through reflective conversations with my dear partner of many years. I was wondering why I was no longer willing to do what I feel like I need to do. Was I too old, am I just too lazy, have I given up? My partner then asked me, “who are you?” I said, “I am that I am” I know this. “Right” he said, “now who are you identifying with, who is it that is not willing?”
I realized then that it was my ego that did not want to give up center stage. My ego has had the main role in this part of my life for as long as I can remember. The truth of who I actually am is always willing to do what is in my best interest. It knows I need to move my body, and feed it well. Because I was allowing my ego to do my driving once my willpower ran out, and it was now up to the truth of my being, my ego shoved it aside and created a familiar choice of old behaviour. Ego will always be present, but I learned that I was falsely identifying that as my truth, and I was following it down the path of not willing. After all what kind of drama is created when we just forge ahead doing what we need to do? The simple truth is much too boring for the ego.
Now shaking off the alignment with ego is another story, but I was grateful to have the clarity to why I wasn’t always willing. I got six days into my raw cleanse and exercising, when I started to slip back into my less than desirable choices. It was apparent that I wasn’t willing to do what it takes to achieve my lifetime goals of finding a healthy balanced lifestyle.
The Cosmic whisper that I chose to ignore, saw this. The message returned, but it was not a whisper, it was a very stern loud voice.
I was lying in bed with a very uncomfortable ache on my right side. The pain gradually increased to the point of not being able to handle it. I went to the couch, tossed and turned with tears in my eyes. I am not one to run the hospital, but this was not normal. Two hours later I went to the emergency room. After three doses of morphine I was still in pain, but did not want anymore drugs. The pain eventually decreased, I got some rest and eventually felt okay.
I went for an ultra sound the next day, and I had three doctors scratching their heads. They could not understand why I was not in excruciating pain. They asked if I had a high pain tolerance? Apparently I have gallstones and my gallbladder is very inflamed. They wanted to admit me immediately to remove my gallbladder. I asked my usual million questions and then asked to go home. I kept in mind all that they shared and then I did my own research. I chose not to remove a part of my digestive system at this time.
I now had to accept the truth of the changes I had to make. The Cosmic message that was much louder was again asking “ARE YOU WILLING NOW?” I was being asked to find that healthy lifestyle, which does not include yo-yo dieting. My extreme healthy eating with very low fat, to my more indulgent high fat lifestyle was doing me no favour. I had to accept that I needed to eat more, with more of a healthy variety of foods, and a lot more overall balance.
Not wanting to experience the pain I felt last week, or to be told you should have removed your gallbladder, I have humbly had to re-vamp my whole approach to what living healthy looks like. I have explored this topic nine ways to Sunday, but the simple truth that was not dramatic enough for my ego, was what the “I am that I am” knew all along. “Am I willing now?” “Yes…I am.”
I know from life experience that at first the Universe whispers, it then speaks a little louder if I act as though I did not hear it, and eventually it shouts. If I decide to no longer be willing to do what I need to, in order to live a healthy life for the remainder of my journey here, then the next wake up call could be a lot worse. I do not wish to hear the Cosmos shout at me.
We receive messages all of the time of what needs to be done in our lives, whether it is following our passion, creating change, reaching out to a loved one, or whatever else is relevant to our spiritual path. Each turn of events provokes the Cosmos to nudge us with the ever imminent question of “Are You Willing, Now?”