Category Archives: Spirituality

Shadow Work

Shadows_dancingThe filter to which most view the world is through the thought process. Sometimes we are very attached to our way of thinking that we are unaware of the results it directly creates in our day-to-day life. The thoughts trigger our emotions and then our emotions trigger our actions. If you take the time to accept the truth of your thoughts and feelings from the very roots that they sprout, then you will bring light to them. When we resist painful emotions we continue to supress them or only half deal with them. By allowing yourself to fully be in what you are feeling and then decide if it is the truth or not, you shed light and bring clarity to what is actually going on.  This is called shadow work.  Darkness is the absence of light.  When we bring light into the shadows all can be seen.  This awareness raises the vibration of the once hidden energy.

Often people avoid going into the shadow side of their truth thinking it will go away or they wont have to deal with it, but instead it continues as a heavy, lingering energy without any clarity or direction. This also creates confusion and misunderstandings to why things go the way they do.  It is important to figure out what your fears are. Do you fear you are unworthy or undeserving of love? If this is a feeling of yours then find out the root of it. Why do you feel this way? Don’t be afraid of the dark.  Your presence alone will illuminate the path to the truth.

If we understand that our egos are tools used to accomplish our souls lessons in order to evolve, then we can accept that the ego’s expressions are not personal. Feel what you are feeling and thinking, but don’t attach to it like it is the truth.

Focus on the magnificent energy of your divine connection to all things in life. See the ego or false self as an amusing part of this journey, but don’t, by any means take it to heart. Once you connect to the source of life, you will feel the warmth and comfort of spirit in every moment, regardless if you are alone, or in a busy place of many occupied people. Love will emanate from the inside out of your being, and there will be no desire to feel that something outside yourself should fill a void within. You will know in your heart that, that is not possible.


Did you RTFM?


Why did we not come with a manual when we were born?  I know many parents would have loved this when they brought children into their world. If we had the opportunity to read our own personal manual to understand our purpose and experiences in this life, then maybe there would not be so many lost souls struggling to figure out what the point of all of this is.

Well I have come bearing good news, for those who are unaware…we did come with a manual!  It may sound crazy, but it is true.  You might want to read my previous article “Who is Driving…Hu or Man?” first, to get a better understanding of what I am about to address here, but maybe you will understand it anyway?

First off Hu (our life essence, energy from source, God) does not come with a manual.  It does not need one because it just “IS”, the old “I AM that I AM” energy cannot be put into any sort of intellectual script to be understood. If you are fortunate enough, Hu is doing the majority of the driving for your human vehicle, and this is where we get to “trust in the process” of life.

For the most of us though, we have not yet figured out how to keep “Man” (our ego self) out of the drivers seat, and so then we get taken on some pretty crazy rides, that sometimes lead us off of our path (life detours).  Now I realize there is a debate on whether everything happens for a reason, and that it is all suppose to be what it is.  Some believe we get to figure out where free will comes in, and when it does, then that is what it was suppose to be… or was it? If we believe in free will, then the question becomes whether or not that free will decisions are pre-destined already or are we able to alter the course as we go?  You decide which theory works best for you.

I accept that at this time I am not aware of all of the answers to the big questions in life.  I know that my beliefs change and evolve over time as I remember the truth of my being. I will now get to the point of what I wanted to discuss in this article.

Man… is the ego expression of our self in this lifetime.  It is what gives us our unique sense of being as an individual doing our “part” here. The manual I discussed earlier is the manual for the Man-being of our existence.  If you would like to know how to successfully operate this useful tool along your journey, so that your soul may evolve as it came here to do, then RTFM! (For those who don’t know what RTFM stands for it is Read The F***king Manual!). Where would one find this manual I am speaking of, you may be wondering?

Well when you were born you entered this world at a precise moment in time here on earth.  In that very moment if you were to take a snapshot picture of the sky, from the location you arrived, there you would see what astrologers refer to as your birth natal chart.  This is your specific manual for this journey.  In it you will discover the energies that you chose to make up your persons expression, to come here and learn exactly what you need to. You will find your obstacles, your gifts, your influences and desires all in this astrological manual.

The manual is translated on many levels.  Most of us are aware of our Sun sign and it’s interpretation.  Since some do not fully realize that it is just one piece of the puzzle in a chart, although a significant one, they tend to brush off astrology as nonsense if they cannot fully relate to it.

When we start to explore our chart even just a little bit, we soon discover all of the many cosmic influences that express themselves through our personal being. There can be very dominating aspects that create certain patterns in our behaviour that we may not realize these are the reasons we are doing the things we do.  Feeling stuck or frustrated in life we end up confused at the outcomes of our journey, so we continue on the treadmill of cycles trying to figure out what we are doing wrong.  Or sometimes we are aware of certain gifts or talents we may have, but do not know how to direct them, or do not realize they are one of the most significant factors in our purpose of this life.

Learning to interpret a birth chart can bring a sense of relief when we see that the challenges we face in life are intentional.  This is a blueprint of our internal wiring. As we evolve and are influenced by the multiple environmental circumstances, we may recognize that there may be some re-wiring required to achieving our souls purpose. Before one starts messing with this sensitive system, it helps to know how everything is naturally hooked up first.  The nature of astrology is so complex that you will have to do your own homework to learn how to read a chart, or find someone to help read it for you.  Once you start though, the fascinations will more than likely pull you in so much, that you will effortlessly want to carry on exploring!

Here is a brief breakdown of a chart:  There are the planets (Saturn, Mars, Venus etc.) in our solar system that each emanate a specific kind of energy and bring certain lessons to us.  How the lessons are taught is filtered through the different zodiac signs (Libra, Taurus, Leo etc.) energy. The areas in our life, or where these lessons take place happen in various “houses” in a chart, for the interpretation of this aspect you will need the exact time of your birth.  Each house is designated to a specific subject or topic in the human journey.  When looking at a birth chart you will see it all divided up into twelve sections, these are the houses.  Where the planets are placed, and which signs occupy the different houses, creates the energetic expression of you.  Without diving into any more details of reading a chart at this time, I will move on now.

If we accept that we came here with a mission, and we want to accomplish this mission, then it might not be such a bad idea to RTFM! This manual holds the valuable information of where we have come from, the karmic lessons we have come to deal with, the operating tools we have been provided with for this particular mission, and how and where to use them.  We can discover where we need to work harder, what natural gifts we can embrace, and what details are important to not overlook.  This of course is only if we want to consciously be participating with completing what we came here to do individually.

Over the years I have witnessed multiple ways to get a job done.  It’s kind of like assembling a piece of furniture.  You have the natural intuitive who has learned over the years what works and what does not.  They toss aside the instructions and just piece together the project in front of them.  It was likely that this was after many years of trial and error that they started to pay attention to what worked and what didn’t.  They may have learned through other people’s mistakes, maybe they listened to the wisdom of their elders, or maybe they just tapped into source and surrendered to the ultimate truth for their situation. These people have developed their conscious connection to the greater whole.

There are also those who toss aside the instructions and fumble their way through the process.  They can sometimes be the know it all’s and often find themselves back tracking because things didn’t quite line up properly.  Maybe their piece of furniture is now crooked or unstable, or they are left over with some mysterious pieces that they have no idea where they belong? They were too eager to get the job done and not pay attention to the details.  Sometimes after great frustration they disassemble everything and start from scratch. They may even do this multiple times before they choose to look a little closer at the important details they overlooked.  If they are fortunate, they get to a place where they feel complete with their project, imperfections included. Whether or not they completed the project they were supposed to in this lifetime is another story.

When we purchase a new gadget with multiple functions we can choose to explore its abilities by playing around with it.  Sometimes we get frustrated because we can’t figure out how to make a particular feature work, and this is where to RTFM will make a difference.  It will also help learn about all the incredible functions that it is capable of. Reading the manual of our Man being, AKA the astrological birth chart, we get insider details so precise on the mission we signed up for and how we are meant to execute it, I cannot imagine not reading it once one has learned of its existence.  It is in my chart though to dive deep into the depths of astrology, so of course I think that way.

As this great shift in consciousness continues to expand amongst the collective, more and more of us are tapping into our souls purpose for evolution.  We are seeing and feeling the magical thread that weaves itself through all of existence. We are feeling connected to our power and know we are greater than this temporary human experience.

More of us are realizing that our soul did come here with a mission so defined and detailed like a well-oiled machine, and that every individual part is required here.  The more of us that express our part the way it was assigned to do so, the more the other parts are supported to run the way they are suppose to.  As a whole we start generating the most magnificent source of energy in the cosmos, expanding to a place that one could only once imagine.

When you are ready you may choose to connect to your souls purpose in this life’s mission.  There are many outlets to do so.  I personally have discovered that reading the astrological birth chart has been the most clear, biggest writing on the wall ever of what we have each come here to do and be.  It is actually quite the gift we have been given.  It is a manual that provides the blue print of your journey and continues to be a checking point along the way as you follow the movement of the sky and line it up with your original chart. It becomes a continuous language to de-code as you follow the ever-changing pulse of life.

Now it is not in my nature to share, what seems like an aggressive message to me, the importance to RTFM.  I just remember a time when computers were still new to have in our home, and there was a family member of mine who was quite genius in understanding how to operate them. His biggest complaint was people not reading the manuals to the new software, any add on accessory, or the computer itself.  They were always asking him for advice for something that was clearly stated in the manual already.  He used to always ask first, did you RTFM TWICE!?  Yes he still helped people, especially if they did read the manual and were still confused, but he would ask if they have done this first, since he did not support laziness.

How can you expect to understand something new to you if you don’t take the time to read the instructions that it came with?  If you believe in past lives, you may know this isn’t your first barn dance. Regardless, we seem to have been designed with an amnesia feature that takes effort to transform it.  As we re-discover our truth, without judgement we can gracefully accept our personal mission.

If trial and error, hit and miss, or repetition is your thing, then carry on with whatever floats your boat.  But, if the truth of your souls mission is important to you, and you want to understand the unique intricacies of the who, what, when, where, why and how’s of it all, then maybe, just maybe, you’ll take the time to RTFM!



Who is driving… HU or MAN?

Earth Angel 70

We are human, which is made up of two main parts.  The HU (pronounced hue) is our true essence, our soul, and the truth of who we are.  The MAN (pronounced ego), is the stuff we manifest here on earth, the energy that can be manipulated and thrown around in every direction.   

We are made up of both energies, but HU is what we are and the MAN is what we use as our tool.  When we recognize MAN is taking control, we can then see we have misplaced the true purpose of MAN’s role in our life. HU just “is” and if we recognize when we have lost touch with HU we can then choose to return to this connected place once again. This will effortlessly diminish the power of MAN’s egoistic energy.

When we recognize these two parts of our existence, we then can see which one we have allowed in the drivers seat in different situations of our lives.  Now MAN should not ever be in the drivers seat, it is just the passenger, it can help with navigation, passing you some water, taking care of HU (you :).   It is the assistant along this journey.

If this energy jumps in the driver seat, put it back in its place.  It is not your truth, you are HU, don’t get fooled by this very tricky part of yourself.  It has a place, just know where that is and there will be a lot less stress, pain, and discomfort.  Not that those things are bad to feel and experience, they are actually necessary in evolving HU, but it cannot be done effectively unless MAN is in the passenger seat and HU in the drivers seat.  

The gift of having HU taking us along in this journey is accepting that we do not have to attach to our ego’s ideas and judgements of who we think we are.  The concepts that we create, of what we are all about don’t exist in the presence in HU.  All of the ego’s structure falls away; it no longer defines us because we know that it is all an illusion of the mind.  These defining beliefs that we create, is what also creates separateness.  Ego makes us feel special to have a sense of an individual identity.

HU is oneness.  The only thing that creates the separation is our personalities in our passenger seat that we allow to direct us on our journey.  It creates the varying dynamics on our planet.  It gives us the outlets to learn, grow and evolve to the point where we realize that the truth of who we are is of all the same energy, from the same source.  It is like we have all been given assignments to come here on earth to complete. When I look at everyone’s birth natal charts in astrology and I see how aligned everyone is with the energies of the planets of their chart, it tells me that the universe is much greater than my MAN’s mind could ever fully understand.

The complexity of a birth chart has so much detail happening that lines up with each persons journey, that I am amazed when people say that astrology is nonsense.  I realize that most people only think about their sun sign in astrology and don’t fully understand the depth to reading a whole chart, but more people are starting to get it and accept its purpose.

Even fully understanding a birth chart in astrology is just a tool used here. It is a stepping-stone to the realization of the ultimate acceptance of HU.  The mind that creates the attachments to the beliefs about who we are and what we do is the false self that we create.  A picture gets painted of our reality based on the ideas we hold on to.  We decide if we feel good enough or worthy enough to be or do certain things in this life.  We decide if other people are doing their life right or wrong, based on the belief system we have bought into.  Eventually, if we are fortunate enough, none of this will matter.  We wont get so caught up in the chaos of our minds.  We will acknowledge our passenger in the seat beside us, but a knowing of our true essence, the HU that runs through us all that “IS”.  It just is, and there are no egoistic, man driven definitions to label, judge, control, or manipulate it.  It is the truth of who we all are.

So the next time you find yourself in a stressed out situation, maybe ask yourself how you can put MAN back in the passenger seat and allow HU to take the wheel.

Remember HU comes before MAN for a reason.  We are HU first, MAN second.  If life is seeming a little messed up, you are likely operating as a MAN-HU, and that’s just silly! You are a HUMAN.


What is Love? Baby, Don’t Hurt Me!

FreedomWhen it comes to a relationship, what is love? Is it simple? Is it complicated? Does it carry more light energy than dark?  What constitutes a healthy relationship? These are a few questions I ask myself every now and then. After many years in the same intimate relationship, I have had many opportunities to reflect on all of the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”.

A neat thing I’ve learned about relationships is that absolutely everything I connect with along my journey is a relationship.  A relationship can be with myself, a partner, a child, a thought process, a routine, my work, my car, and so on.  The common denominator is me.  So, when I remember to take a moment and pause each time I feel stress, or discomfort with someone, or something else, I ask myself  ‘How am I participating in this exchange?’

This is an exciting place to be, to know that I get to accept the truth of my moment, or reject it.  What is the truth, one may ask? Well this is for me to discover in each and every moment.  My truth may be ego based and attached to the need to control and judge, or my truth may be grace and acceptance of what is, rather than what I think it should be.  The secret is, that what I believe to be me in that moment, will influence my experience, and to know that “my” truth does not always equal “the truth”.

If I believe I am my ego, then I will participate accordingly.  Feelings will get hurt, the need to tell others how to behave will either come out of my mouth, or be implied by my intentional silence and body language.  My thoughts will be of judgement, resistance, and the need for control. Not all ego experiences cause discomfort either.  It can be pretty tricky when it comes to distracting us from the truth. In a place of ego I may feel like I am doing everything in the best interest for all involved.  I may fall under the illusion that I’m trying to help others, or improve a situation, not realizing that it is my own egoistic needs that are truly being met in that moment.

Why is it so important to understand the difference between ones ego and the truth when it comes to relationships?  When there are exchanges in a relationship, there is always an opportunity to expose the truth.  Since I am here to consciously evolve, I take advantage of life’s daily chances to do so.

Although it is much easier to point the finger and blame others, or outside circumstances for how I feel, I try to choose courage and honesty of my part in that moment.  The realization doesn’t always happen immediately, and my ego sometimes puts up a great battle to resist the truth of the moment, but I stay strong and wait to be hit by the overwhelming embrace of the purity of truth. Of course this only happens once I get out of my own way.

We seem to get lost in looking around us at what everyone else is doing wrong.  I hear a lot of people saying to those they are close to “Do this”, “Don’t do that”, “Speak this way”, “Don’t say those words”.  It makes sense, since we are domesticated from a very early age.  We have collectively decided long ago what is acceptable, and what isn’t when it comes to the common way of behaving. When someone steps out of this format, people become very uncomfortable, and feel the urge to implement domestication.  How dare someone behave wild and free to the beat of their own drum.  We become comfortable being comfortable and resist the challenge of taking on our own desire to control others instead of just accepting someone for where they are.

It takes courage to apply every feeling to your own responsibility for your state of peace, or lack of it.  It takes honesty to know that you decide what your daily experience looks and feels like.  If everyone decided that the only one they needed to change or control was themselves, then what a loving and accepting place this would be. If we knew that what anyone ever said to us had nothing at all to do with us, and that it was just them expressing their words through their life’s filter, then no one could ever steal our peace, or take away our freedom.

So yes, Love in a relationship is simple, because we only ever have one relationship in this lifetime, and that is with our self.  If we choose to remain pure, without care or worry and allow others to do the same, we will find life a lot more harmonious.


The Hanging Man

After a bit of distraction from life’s chaos, I chose to get back to business with my personal studies. I like to pull a Tarot card a day, because I find this helps me connect on a personal level with each card. Today was the first time I’ve done this since I’v shaved my head. I could not believe how much I could relate to todays card, The Hanging Man XII, with my recent choice to drastically alter my appearance.

This card represents the half way point of the Fools journey in the story of the Tarot cards. It is a place to pause, reflect, and connect with our spirituality. A place to let go of our material perspectives, release the burdens of our everyday world, and to find a way to alter our everyday view that we’ve become accustomed to seeing. It is also a place to suspend our beliefs, and look out a different window.  It represents a time to leave our comfort zone, become uncomfortable, and trust in our abilities to still function. To know that in order to evolve, change and challenges push us out of our everyday box, requiring us to step up and find a new way of being.

If I so happen to live a “full” life, I am about half way through my journey. I have been responding to changes and challenges of all kinds throughout my life. Shaving my head is just a change that I initiated on purpose to shake things up a little. My astrological birth chart will not allow me to have any moments of boredom. I guess as I mature and life settles down a little bit, I have to resort to such things as removing all of my hair.

Now the Hanging Man card represents my journey at this time of my life. I’v taken away a mask I am use to wearing, my long hair, and have asked myself to see beyond my appearance. I am being asked to let go of a material attachment and connect with the energy of a planet that is connected to this card, which is Neptune. Neptune governs spirituality, change, and illusion. I’ve been under the illusion that my hair had more significance than it actually does.

I have let my hair go physically, and I am now slowly releasing my emotional attachment, being left with the truth of my soul. More and more I feel my presence of being, and less of how I look. I still believe our physical bodies and looks have significance along this journey, I am just taking a pause, hanging upside down for a little while, and rethinking my identity a little more, for a moment.

You must look within for value, but must look beyond for perspective.
                                                                                  – Denise Waitley

I have always been drawn to a spiritual outlook on life. I believe having the courage to embrace change, whether self-imposed or not, is important, so that we do not become stuck or stagnant along the way. I believe we are here to evolve, and to remember what we already know, to take away the blocks that we have created, and see the truth once again. One of the things I loved reading from the author Adyashanti, was that it wasn’t just about becoming enlightened, but figuring out how we have unenlightened ourselves. What is it that we are doing to stop us from seeing the truth of our already enlightened being? What thoughts and beliefs fool us into thinking that we are not already fully aware?

I continue to challenge my habitual beliefs and views on life, so that I may continue to remove these blocks. As the Hanging Man has suspended what he is doing, turned his being upside down, he can now see things differently than he normally does.

We can practice this in many ways in our everyday life. Sit or lie on the floor instead of the couch. Go outside and lye upside down on a hill, park your vehicle in an different area of your frequently visited parking lots. Brush your teeth before getting dressed, if you usually do it after. I think you get my point. Recognize habits and see what happens when you change it up a little. I find it brings a heightened awareness to the moment. Like looking through a child’s eyes once again, we can embrace the freshness of the new experience.

I will continue to embrace The Hanging Man for awhile, and listen to the messages that I need to remember.

*Image of Tarot card from Ciro Marchetti's Deck



Who would have known?  The hair I was so attached to, but is now gone, made quite an imprint. Although it is no longer here, I feel the sensations like it is still apart of me. I am amazed at the physical and mental memory of having long hair. It has been a couple of weeks now, yet I still reach to pull it out of my shirt after I get dressed, or go to lift it above my head on my pillow, after I lay down or turn over in bed.

I guess the acceptance of change is not always an automatic thing. When I engage in conversation with someone, I am still looking through the same eyes I have always looked through.  It isn’t until I walk away and get a glimpse of my reflection that I see what others are seeing. At this point, it is still a surprise to me.  I even jumped at my own reflection once, thinking it was someone else staring back at me!

When I am not caught up in conversation and I am just doing my own thing, I become hyper aware of my head.  I do not know if all people with short hair feel this, but it feels like my hair is all tucked up on the top of my head, or like I’m wearing some sort of hat.

I feel like my head has had more physical contact from myself and others over the past couple of weeks, than in my whole life. The sensations are intensified, and my scalp feels so alive and invigorated.

I am still operating my old program when it comes to my showers. I stand under the water for the same amount of time I did with my long hair.  It just seems impossible in my mind, that I could have my hair completely rinsed in such a short amount of time.  I’m sure I will clue in soon.

It is clear to me that this change was long over due.  The habits and rituals of the person I was with long hair still linger.  My awareness and connection to my physical self had become stagnant.   Now, how I feel I should look when I look in the mirror, I am slowly letting go of.  I did not expect my ego to just disappear because I chose to alter my looks so drastically.  I know this is a process.  I have years of conditioning and influence from the outside world of what a female should look like.  Even my astrological sun sign of Libra has a strong attachment to needing to feel feminine and to have long hair.

I recognize my attachment to my thoughts.  I feel less feminine with my head shaved and having a heavier set body at this time. My long hair contributed to my sense of my female identity.  A good thing though is that my occupation with my thoughts around my hair are slowly fading.  As each day goes by, and I see and accept my new look a little bit more, I realize this is me, in this moment.  I am starting to release the need to inform people that this isn’t my usual look, and that I use to have very long hair.

The truth is, this moment is all I have.  I wanted to experience having a shaved head, so now I need to let go of who I was, who I think I should be, and accept who I am.  What really matters is who I am now, how I’ve chosen to express my physical being now, and to recognize and accept the consistent presence that is.


Letting Go

I did it! It’s gone, with the exception of a very thin layer of bristly hair. My goal was to have a shaved head, and here I sit with a shaved head. The amazing hair dresser Erin at the Utopia Hair Studio was so supportive. She took before and after photos, and gifted me her hair styling expertise. Everyone told me how beautiful I looked, even the client with the long gorgeous hair beside me. I was overwhelmed with an odd inner and outer smile. Feeling silly, weird, and like I was in a dream, I looked at the unfamiliar reflection in front of me. All I could keep saying was that ‘this was crazy!’

I feel like I’m wearing a hat. I thought I might feel the need to cover my head for my ride home, but I didn’t. It was what it was. This is a first for me. I’ve never worn my hair short my entire adult life. I barely even put it in a pony tail because I didn’t like how it looked. I swore to myself that I would not ever go for the short hair “mom” look when I reached my forties (many women pull this look off no problem, no judgement here), just as personal preference. Yet here I sit with this weird sensation of short, stubbly hair.

It is/was a lot of work having super thick, long hair. As a professional organizer, I guess I just decluttered some time consuming rituals, and energetic space.

There is a lot of stuff happening in my world around me. Life and death are making their presence so clear. I see and feel the suffering and pain of loved ones close to me, and know this journey is not an easy one at times. I feel that as big of a deal it was for me to shave my head, it really cannot compare to what really matters in my life. The love I feel for all the souls expressions that I get to experience day to day, knowing we are all doing our best to understand this journey of life, is the truth of what actually matters.

No matter what I do to my appearance, or the distractions I choose to occupy my time with, it is the essence of being that really matters. It is knowing and believing that “I am” regardless of my crazy choices. Knowing that no matter how anyone chooses to alter their personal expression, the truth of their being will not change.



The Story of my Hair

Retro Joplin look

It’s the night before my appointment at the hair salon. Most woman spend their money on perfecting their locks, but some weird, inner calling, bucket-list idea, has decided to rear its head out of nowhere, and suggest a little something different.

There are many things over the years that I have spewed out of my mouth as a desire to experience. Many I’ve done, and some I out grew and moved on.  I thought this was one of those things I out grew, but no. A little voice in my head said “you really should follow through on this idea”. I talk like it is something separate from myself, because honestly I can’t make sense of my decision to shave my head. I love my long hair! I loved it even more when it was all natural, with lots of silver. Unfortunately I decided to use a natural henna product in my hair for a special event, thinking it would fade out in a few months, but the red really latched on, creating unwanted roots slowly growing out.

Now this is no reason to shave ones head, lots of people have roots growing out. I have just always felt that I wanted to experience what it is like to be with (almost) no hair on my head. I am fully aware that some people have no choice but to lose their hair, for different reasons. I am sure that it may cause some people pain, and yet others indifference. We all have our own paths, with varying experiences, and lessons to take away from them.

I am attached to my long hair. This may seem silly, but it has been a part of my identity for quite some time now. My hair was at my waist for most of my childhood, and I wasn’t allowed to cut it until high school. Then during my high school years I would not leave my home without every single piece, perfectly curled and in place. I was obsessed. I styled my hair, dyed it, and perfected it, for quite sometime.

Then as motherhood took priority, I started to let go of my need to be so vain about my looks. I headed down a more organic path, embracing my early greying. I learned to love the crazy natural look of my hair, and lucky for me, my husband preferred the natural look of my being as well.

I experimented with the “no poo” theory, where no shampoos or product were used in my hair for a whole year. Now before you get grossed out, it was only about a month of knarliness before my hair and scalp fully adjusted to the my new routine. The trick was to wash it in very hot water, then to rinse it in very cold water, to have it looking and feeling great. I would have continued with this practice, except I moved to a different province and the switch in environment did not go in my favour.  I had to use shampoo once again. I don’t know if it was the new locations water, or just the change in the air?

As I carried on in my evolution of my health, I discovered the spiritual importance of not cutting your hair, ever! As an intuitive being, having my receptors in tack, was a strong reason to leave my locks alone. There are many natural treatments to deal with your split ends or dryness. I still believe in not cutting ones hair, but this is just a part of my spiritual belief.  I also believe we live a more natural flowing life, when we take out the “shoulds” and ‘shouldn’ts” in our everyday vocabulary.  This is the reason I am open to this experience.

Now tomorrow I have an appointment to shave my head completely! The hairdresser even phoned me tonight to confirm, to see if I was still going through with it. Something other than my logical side, squeaked out a ‘yes, of course!’ I am not even sure what I’m doing. I can put words to it like, I want to let go of attachment, practice impermanence, surrender ego, connect with my “I am” energy, get over myself, start a new, transformation, and so on. Yet my ego thinks I’m crazy for voluntarily signing up to do this. On the level of soul though, where there are no words, I am pulled into this vortex of no control, and it’s just going to happen.

My young adult children each had their own interesting response to my news, but I know they love me no matter how I look. My husband has gotten use to supporting my crazy ideas over our 19 years together, and I am grateful for that. I’m making use of my time here on this planet, and like to take on whatever weird calling I am drawn to follow.

The Universe is also demanding I make some health changes. Tomorrow is my half birthday (yes I am 42 and I just referred to my half birthday :p).  It is time for some more changes, transformations, and spiritual evolution. I will humble myself by removing the hair that I’ve hidden behind, the look I’ve attached to, and my choices I’ve become comfortable with over my adult years. I will take on a new perspective through my dramatic changes, that I will be making. I will allow the process to be whatever it is supposed to be. I will personally grow, as my hair grows.

At this time I believe it will be the last hair cut that I will ever have again (but of course, anything is possible). I will release any energy that has stuck itself in my hair over the years. I will let go of being the person I’ve attached to being. My physical body is temporary in this world, my image has become a conditioned settling of how I feel most comfortable. My habits and thoughts have created the reflection I see in the mirror.  It is time for a new perspective.

As I get ready for bed now, I still wonder in the back of my mind, what the heck am I doing and why? I know though that change in a big way, is my only option for me at this point in my journey.

It is only hair, but the removing of my long hair completely, has so many more structures and beliefs that I’ve attached to it, and I will be tearing those down at the same time. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel tomorrow. I may cry, I may not care, I may even feel liberated? No use in speculating, it is only ten hours away. I am already amused by how much thought I’ve given to my hair in this lifetime. It is a big deal in our culture as females, in how we look. I want to let that go, and return to ‘I am-I exist’.

I guess no matter how much I keep writing, it’s not going to slow down the arrival of my appointment tomorrow morning. I think it’s time to take these long locks to bed for one more sleep.

Good night!